A long time ago, I recieved a small booklet of financial testimonials and prayer-request pull-outs from my aging grandmother. I did not know quite what to make of the booklet, but I was amply amused by it nonetheless. So, I scanned some pages from the booklet and wrote the rant you will find below.
Little did I know that, due to the lack of information about this ministry, my webpage would appear high up in the search results of anyone searching for information on St. Matthew's Church in Tulsa, OK. Below you will discover the veritable calvacade of e-mails I recieved based on this silly little rant.

The Rant - St. Matthew's Prosperity Seed Harvest Plan
(click the links throughout for scans)

I returned from my ski trip this weekend to wonderful news from my parents. They had paid a visit to my Grandmother earlier that day, and having been "worried" about me, she gave them a gift to give me. Now, my grandmother is getting on in years, and the first reactions I had were mixed curiosity and subtle wariness. Well, as it goes in most "healthy" American families, it's necessary for siblings to compete in three basic categories: Best Job, Best Wife, Best Kids, and Most Money. Now, since it's crucial to be the Number One Kid at all times, news travels fast if someone falls behind in one of these categories. So naturally, when I chose to forego the family and religious ritual of confirmation, the gossip was through the family tree like hellfire. Or something. Yes, it was true Francis #2 (I'm a junior), not only chose against becoming a Catholic, but (as a cousin put it) rumor was that his girlfriend has purple hair. Heresy. So, naturally the only solution for my aging and traditional grandmother was to try to bring me back into the fold. She attempted this with a 224-page booklet called the Saint Matthew's Prosperity Seed Harvest Plan! When I received it, my first thought was of an evangelistic pamphlet intended to instill faith in other human beings, but what I was greeted with upon opening to the inside was something completely different. It seemed that this was some sort of financial self-help book from Jesus, but I turned out to be wrong again. In fact, the book was filled with hilarious advertisements and social propaganda. That's right kids! Mommy and Daddy divorced because they love Jesus! More than each other. Or you. Yes, this book is full of raving testament from folks who've given their finances over to the Holy Spirit and been Saved. Hear that folks? The Prosperity Grain Growth Bakery Plan will SAVE YOUR SOUL and WIN YOU A MILLION DOLLARS! New houses, cars, and.... prosperous seed harvests await you if you just give over your money to the good folks at Saint Matthew's. Now you may be wondering what Saint Matthew's really does. Other than distribute pamphlets of course, they offer to pray for those who give over their money. What more could one ask for than God as a highly paid financial partner? Why I'll tell you! Christ as a savior! Why, he offers you such things as Prosperity, Love, Perfection, and Loneliness... I'm not kidding folks, this really does not appear to be a typo. So don't forget kids, selflessness is love, and love is the Prosperous Gain Wheat Plowing Plan from Saint Matthew's! Just give over your money to Jesus, and you're well on your way to becoming another success story in their next pamphlet. Now the next time one of your friends asks you who does your taxes, you can proudly say Jesus Christ!

Someone Calls Me on theAmerican History X Reference: Say 'No' to Greek Mythology

Finally, Someone Who Agrees With Me: Concerned Grandparent

And Someone Else Who Agrees With Me: I'm Catholic, Not Stupid

A Site Regular Chimes In: Sarcastic Cynicism

The Investigation Begins